Sex and the conflicted INFJ

By Saturday, April 16, 2016 , , , Permalink 24


ypically private and reserved individuals, I’ve decided to break the mould and open up about how sex is viewed as a male (single, heterosexual) INFJ. Although these are my own views, I do know of other INFJ guys who share them, so perhaps it may well be a common theme among others.

This comes to you from a single guy who basically hasn’t been getting any for the best part of five years (apart from one brief indiscretion many moons ago), so yep, fully qualified to do a blog post on INFJ sex. But rest assured… for the quiet, introverted, unassuming, benign exteriors we often project, it belies the relentless passion and thoughts of dark deeds that lurk beneath. Anyway, I digress, time to get down and dirty and delve into the sexual mind and nature of male INFJs…

1. We are late to the party.
In a couple of ways in fact. Many older (beg pardon, mature) INFJ men were virgins till a late age – mid-late twenties seems to be the norm. Why? Good question. From my own experience it was a combination of things – not one for going out and partying (my hearing disability coupled with introversion), not a drinker and not one for superficial conversation (which seemed to be the norm for social situations). Not to mention when even thinking of approaching someone attractive my mind would go blank. Well, that’s a lie, it wouldn’t go blank per se, it would overload. Overthink. A maelstrom of ideas on what to say, how to say it, the possible responses and how to deal with those. And consequently all this would result in a bottleneck that literally prevented anything constructive from coming out. So, in effect, I would appear like a stuttering, mute dunce… very attractive and a great way to boost my self-confidence. All these aspects strived to make me feel different, out of touch and alone, which only served to exacerbate the issue. As such I pretty much forgot about women, relationships and sex, and ended up focusing on studies and work for the best part of a decade. Until the time came that something had to be done… ten years without a connection, intimacy, closeness for an INFJ just ends up bordering on insanity. I ended up meeting someone at age 28, and that was the start of my one and only relationship to date (excluding one long distance love affair).

Now for younger INFJ guys I’m not altogether sure whether the above applies. You see back in the olden days, we never had the likes of Facebook, OKCupid, Tinder and all the other online platforms available to us. Plus the Internet in general was pretty much in its infancy, and we were often armed with pagers rather than mobiles. This meant we didn’t have the ideal setup of being able to engage in conversation through writing (we are FAR better writers than talkers as we have time to construct and organise our thoughts better) plus many of us weren’t as clued up on INFJ and personality theory until much later on in life. As such the younger male INFJs of today might well be able to find and settle into their skins a bit earlier than I did (on the subject of skins, I recommend Durex Performa – allows you to give your partner multiple orgasms before you get your turn).

That brings us nicely to the other aspect of being late. Nice guys truly do come last… when it comes to coming. We don’t prematurely ejaculate because quite simply we make sure our partners are pleasured beforehand, so we enjoy foreplay, kissing, exploring and oral much more than most guys. We literally get off on seeing our partners get off. We will give far more than we expect to receive – Although we won’t argue that point too much it has to be said. Side note: this is why I believe an INFJ/INFJ relationship could be the ultimate sexual relationship, as both parties are in tune with each other and givers to the extreme.

2. We are perverts by choice…
and whores in the bedroom (bathroom, kitchen, lounge etc). Perhaps we’re making up for lost time, or perhaps, because we are often quiet, unassuming, benign in public that we like to REALLY let loose, with someone we feel comfortable with. And behind closed doors, stark naked is as good a place as any to start.

3. Casual vs relationship sex.
For all the randiness and horniness that we have lurking inside us, we are still lovers and idealists at heart. In an ideal world we want a best friend, partner, lover, confidant and soulmate that we want to rip the clothes off. We also value freedom, not freedom to sleep around (we are way too loyal to even contemplate that). But as well as being together intimately, we also value our solitude and alone time – something many other types may find confusing. They could interpret it as blowing hot and cold when in reality it’s just our innate need to be alone with our thoughts and recharge. It’s almost never about the relationship or the other person.

Casual sex for an INFJ is pretty much a no-go area, it can happen of course, but there are usually repercussions that we don’t want to deal with and so we tend to shy away from pursuing one off flings or casual relationships. We don’t want to fall in love and be rejected and even more so, we don’t want them to fall in love and us to reject them. Hurting someone else is absolutely the last thing we ever want to do. Sometimes a friends with benefits arrangement seems like an ideal solution (when not really in a position for a relationship), as we would experience the closeness, intimacy and the ability to satisfy our own needs and those of someone else, but at the same time we have our solitude and space. But even then, we might look, we might think about it, we might even start along the road to it, but when it comes to making the move, to that junction, we often stop and turn around – because we are idealists, we believe in love, we believe in loyalty and we want a relationship that lasts. And we don’t want to end up hurting someone else.

4. Projection. The one we love, whether they exist or not.
When it comes to casual sex, what may well happen is projection. Because of our idealist position, the well documented theme that sex is a spiritual connection and experience for INFJs, even casual sex becomes an expression of our intense passion, our spirituality, our desire to please and our need for connection. So much so, that the other person can become overloaded and overawed by it – we either come across as too intense or they think we have much deeper feelings for them than we actually do. Both of which aren’t a good thing. And both of which will ultimately end up hurting someone. Another reason why we shy from casual relationships – we can be too much and too confusing/conflicting for others.

5. Creative Sex (Ni). ALL the possibilities.
Our primary function Ni (Introverted Intuition) is ultimately creative, an inner playhouse of ideas, possibilities, stories, and patterns. This is something that comes out into play in the arena of sex, we want to play, we want to experiment, we want to explore and discover all the possibilities (and positions). We want to try different things, different places. We want gentle, compassionate sex, but we also want rampant, animalistic sex. We want toys, dressing up, role-play. We want handcuffs and silk scarves. We want it all.

6. Thinking of others and harmony (Fe). No threesomes though.
Although I know of one INFJ guy who has a penchant for threesomes, I think most of us prefer a one on connection – someone to devote all our attention and energy to. Our secondary function Fe (Extroverted Feeling) comes down to our need for harmony and to please others, so in sex this harks back to the act of pleasuring our partners first and foremost. Making sure they are moaning and screaming in the throes of ecstasy, fingernails embedded in the back of our heads as we go down on them, or grasping the pillows as we explore, tease and discover all parts of their naked bodies. Ultimately we want to see our partners laid panting, breathless and fully satisfied. Again and again. Only then would we hope (but never expect) the favour to be returned. And if so then the whole cycle begins again. An orgy of giving and pleasuring each other that can go on for a veritable eternity. Well one can hope at least.

7. INFJs like to go deep
INFJs appreciate depth and the darkness within, so yes we like to go hard and deep when it comes to sex. But we also like shallow, soft. We like it slow, fast, steady. We like to keep it interesting and unexpected.

8. Very visual. Appreciative of beauty.
This is something that is quite a conflict for me personally. I do find that I’m attracted to very specific visual types, although sometimes I’m attracted to certain eyes, a husky voice, a personality or even something intangible about a woman (not my usual type but nevertheless very attracted to her). I have strong friendships with women but none in a sexual way, which is frustrating because the connection, the depth, the friendship is powerful but there is no sexual tension there for me. Whereas I can experience sexual tension/attraction with a stranger, but no real depth of connection. Finding the two together has proved somewhat elusive (apart from one instance) and I expect will be the case for a long while to come. Harder still, is that many of the deep connections INFJs make, happen to be with other INFJs – and given our rarity, the fact that we tend to be further afield and often in different circumstances/place in life, it all adds up to something that is not conducive to developing that relationship we so desperately crave.

9. Gentlemen that ravish.
Have quoted this before but worth reiterating for this post…

He certainly seemed to have all the qualities of a gentleman, but the interesting kind who knows exactly when to stop behaving like one. ~ Michael Dibdin, Medusa

We are gentleman first and foremost, but when then going gets dirty, we are more than happy to oblige and take it a step further. We are at the end of the day “Hopeless Romantics with a dirty mind”

10. Sexting.
Given our propensity for the written word and due to the fact that many of our close connections are made online, sexting is a good outlet for us. It allows us to be an introvert, creative, use our imagination, develop our intuition and innuendo, increase the depth of emotional connection and please others without actually having to be there physically. It helps us hone our foreplay skills for whenever we do actually manage (if ever) to get into a real life relationship.






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