We find refuge in ourselves, but still ache for human connection…

By Sunday, September 7, 2014 , Permalink 2


arrying on from the INFJ dating bible post I shared some time ago, I thought I’d expand on it with my own personal thoughts on the dating game. And that’s where I’ll start, the fact that it’s referred to as a ‘game’ immediately irks me somewhat. In that it is a practice in which you have to follow rules, play games and even at times be covert or dismissive… Rather than be true, open, honest and authentic. Game playing for most INFJ personality types is frustrating as it is counter to our core values. There is nothing more we value than authenticity, openness and deep connections… Although our propensity to exude these values sometimes leave us open to manipulation and being taken advantage of by others, which in turn can cause us to put up emotional walls as a self-defence mechanism.

The other premise of dating I find awkward is that it jumps to the romantic aspect straight from the off, which seems to me to be not only fraught with pressure but can also encourage a fake connection. There’s no getting to know each other platonically, no starter, no mains. Just going straight for the dessert if you like. I have tried dating a few times, mainly through online sites like OKCupid (actually quite good as it does, in a roundabout way, account for personality similarities. So you can at least find people whom you have a better chance of connecting with). Although I went on a few dates, and developed a couple of friendships as a result, I still felt the whole process to be disingenuous, and it doesn’t sit well with me. A forced method of securing relationships which to me seems counterintuitive. This I know is my idealism kicking in and fully understand that for many others, perhaps even the majority, dating does work and can (shock, horror) even be fun.

Since the end of my long term relationship a few years ago, I can safely say I have matured, grown and developed more through being single. I have been able to focus on ‘me’ for a change and discover and pursue what I want and need out of life… and continue to make many close friendships during the journey, although unfortunately many of them overseas. I’ve learnt that many INFJs do seem to get lost when they’re in a relationship, either through codependency or through giving themselves too much to others… Thereby not catering for their own needs. Both of which cause lack of self-growth (stagnancy), self -belief and often self-respect. I believe that to be ready for a relationship you have to be comfortable being single, that in that state and mindset, you end up bringing more to the table, rather than look for another to ‘complete’ you – which is often a recipe for ending up codependent. A mutually beneficial and loving relationship should be the cherry on the cake, not the cake itself. Plus a relationship that encourages both to grow whilst also giving each the freedom they need.

In the last three years I have only developed one true, in depth, romantic connection, which never came through any of the normal dating channels. Rather, it came through online interaction on an MBTI forum and various INFJ focused Facebook groups. This one interaction led to friendship, to private chats and the connection, intensity and intimacy grew from there… Organically. The fact that we were the same personality type (INFJ 4w5) fueled the connection and although ultimately we decided to end the relationship due to our individual circumstances (it was a long distance relationship), we still remain close friends. I still hold out hope that in the future perhaps, as circumstances change and permit, that we might revisit the relationship. The strength of the connection that I personally felt makes it nigh on impossible to move on, as now anything else would feel like settling. One thing I have vowed never to do.

Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn’t be one of them. ~ Tiffanie DeBartolo

One of the traits of INFJ types is a striving for perfection, even though we know it is unattainable (one of our very many contradictions). This is perhaps the reason for our tendency towards the all or nothing approach and the reason we can have difficulty pursuing casual relationships. We can’t just dip our feet in, we can only watch from afar or strip completely naked and jump in with reckless abandon. I know I have trouble with consistency in most aspects of life… for example with training and eating, we all know that consistency is key. However, I find I either train relentlessly and eat less (and well) or I lounge on the couch and eat pizzas, parmos, chocolates and Ben and Jerry’s. I can rarely find a balance for more than a few days or weeks at a time.

For those who are thinking of going down the online dating route, I would suggest one thing, particularly if you are searching for that long term connection… And that is to be unapologetically yourself. Be open and honest in your profile. It may be scary, but at least you will attract responses from people who relate to the real you. No need to put on acts or airs and graces. If you are a sensitive male, don’t be afraid to say so, don’t try to mould yourself to societal ideals of the masculine type promoted by media (thankfully this seems to be changing somewhat). Too many people treat dating profiles like a CV or resume – a means to sell yourself and often embellish facts, which will ultimately lead to disappointment as you try to live up to them.

For strictly entertainment purposes, I’ve included my old OKCupid profile below (tweaked a little to bring it up to speed)…

My self-summary:
Hard-of-hearing INFJ dad of two with an entrepreneurial streak. Designer, Retailer, Marketer, Artist, Philomath, Hopeless Romantic, Fitness Fanatic and Foodie. Lover of Metaphysics, MBTI and all things Apple 

Words to describe me: Introspective, Introverted, Intuitive, Shy, Quiet, Passionate, Horny, Strong, Thoughtful, Energetic, Playful, Distant, Insatiable, Witty, Ethereal, Deep, Complex, Sensitive, Tactile, Emotional, Creative, Artistic, Reliable, Clumsy, Contemplative, Loyal, Empathetic, Romantic, Determined, Enigmatic,

I’m also an Enneagram tritype 459 (4w5, 5w4, 9w1) which is known as the triple withdrawn ‘Contemplative’ Archetype.

What I’m doing with my life:
Having co-owned a design agency, convenience store, online takeaway food ordering portal and delving into other online businesses I’m venturing back into the design arena alongside a close ENTJ friend. Ideally want to develop another online business that allows me to work and travel so I can explore the world, sample different cultures and visit my many friends from round the globe. Another dream is to establish a holistic fitness, sports, artistic and mindful retreat that looks to combine health, fitness, nutrition and psychological/holistic therapies.

I’m really good at:
Giving *hugs*, Being there for people, Listening, Supporting, Helping and inspiring others, Working with kids, Creative endeavours, Wordplay, Procrastinating, Business planning and most sports (particularly Golf, Badminton, Table Tennis) & fitness activities.

The first things people usually notice about me:
Quiet and restrained with a warm/kind smile and dreamy eyes (always contemplating). Although this may sometimes come across as being cold, aloof or disinterested (very rarely the case)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
Don’t read nearly enough as I’d like to but enjoy anything that covers the topics of Metaphysics, the Nature of Reality, Spiritualism, Consciousness, Life/Death and Personality types.

Movies that explore the nature of reality, time travel and humanity: Pi, Primer, Pan’s Labryinth, Jacob’s Ladder, A Waking Life, I Heart Hukabees, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Good Will Hunting, Knowing, Donnie Darko, Solaris, Memento, Crash, Triangle, The Fountain, Being John Malkovich, Twelve Monkeys, Children of Men, Butterfly Effect and Beyond The Rabbit Hole. I’m also a sucker for romantic movies such as PS I Love You, Crazy Stupid Love, Change Up, Love Actually, Time Traveller’s Wife and The Lake House *sniffles*. Favourite movie that I have seen recently is Her, as I related to it on so many levels. A must for anyone who has been in an intense LDR.

Don’t watch TV that often but when I do it’s stuff like Top Gear, QI (Quite Interesting), Horizon (and BBC4 Documentaries), Not Going Out, Only Fools & Horses and The Outer Limits.

My all-time favourite has to be Lighthouse Family. Also enjoy Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Burt Bacharach, Barry White, Jack Johnson, Tyrone Wells and Keane. Most music from the 60s and Motown get the thumbs up too. However recently been getting into more niche artists such as Nine Inch Nails, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Phaeleh and Rachel Currea.

Probably Indian/Thai although I like most cuisines. I’m a recovering chocoholic and also have a weakness for Ben & Jerry’s Ice-Cream (Karamel Sutra Core, Cookie Dough and Half-Baked). Also love our local signature dish… the 2600 calorie Chicken Parmo (MmmMmm)

The six things I could never do without:
My Kids, Hope, Love, Apple , Chocolate and Ice-Cream… *toddles off to get some Ben and Jerrys*

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
My kids, Why do I become romantically attached far too easily? Love, Sex, Hugs, Cuddles, Spooning, Food, Parmos, Lamb Biryanis and Keema Naans, Curry pizzas, Time, The future, Simplifying life, Training, Metaphysics, Philosophy, Is reality all in the mind? Is solipsism viable? Do Boltzmann brains exist? Death, DMT, Where DO kids get all their energy from? Why are women from Venus and men from Mars? Why do women take EONS to text back? Relationships, Finding people who ‘get’ me, Flirting, Double Entendres, Innuendo, Synchronicities, Feelings, Heartache, Righting injustices, Business ideas, Consciousness, *sigh*, Why can’t people just be honest and participate in open communication? Why are sensors so obsessed with alcohol, money and holidays? Peppa Pig, The Egg by Andy Weir, Why do certain hairs on my ear and eyebrow grow faster than the rest? And why are they the white hairs?! Why can I only think of the best comeback lines EVER half an hour after the event? What tattoo I should get? God, Quantum Physics, Boobs, brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr, Nnnrrrggghhhh, emigrating to New Zealand, World cruises, Why can I only seem to do ALL or NOTHING, and NOTHING in between? Threesomes? Foursomes? Algebraic sums? Where DID that Erotic Dots book get to? Why are all the cute, funny, sexy, single INFJ gals an ocean away? Or close by but feel an ocean away? The ebb and flow of hope and despair? Why do I always lose odd socks? How can I get rid of brain chatter? Am I really sx/so, or just all sx/sx/sx? Why do I have to be an Intuitive Island in a Sea of Sensors? Which is worst… being alone, or being lonely?

On a typical Friday night I am:
Home alone. Usually training, reading, cooking, browsing the Internet, chatting with fellow INFJs on Facebook or Google Hangouts, working on a project or watching a movie.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
*I’m weird. I may be quiet and reserved on the surface (even boring perhaps) but that’s only because I spend 95% of my time listening to the maelstrom within my mind and trying to interpret, decode and filter all the bangs, wolf whistles, woowooowoowoos, wwwwaaawawawas and binkbinkbinkbinkbinks that seem to be going on. It’s like a hive mind with thousands of bees buzzing about and all bouncing off each other. If I didn’t filter what was there and it came out completely unedited then chances I’d be put into a straightjacket and whisked away to the nuthouse in less than five minutes. *brbrbrbrbrbrbrbr….. weeeeeeeeee, schlurrrp* *boing* *shuts up*

*I had my first date and kiss at the age of 28 (yes, I was a 28 year old virgin) which resulted in my one relationship of eight years. And…

*I have a secret passion for Superman/Man of Steel and have done since a young age. Perhaps it’s the reserved facade, loner or justice fighter themes that I have a subconscious affinity with. I have even looked at (and bookmarked!) a replica Man Of Steel costume… be handy for any future fancy dress parties or kinky role playing scenarios! Mmmm, come to think of it I wouldn’t mind some X-Men Wolverine blades too…

You should message me if

  • You are an INFJ (or any NF) or into MBTI.
  • You enjoy deep, philosophical conversations
  • You prefer cosy, fun nights in to going out
  • You’re quirky, funny, different or rebellious
  • You’re into health and fitness
  • You want someone who is different
  • You want someone who listens rather than talks
  • You want a chef in the kitchen
  • You want a gentleman in the living room
  • You want a whore in the bedroom


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